stop to it

why are you still looking?
why do you still care?
What makes that blackness leave your body for mine?
In search of a kill,
in search of creating more emptiness, similar to yours.
I can't help the beauty, the love, the light that
objects to your blackness.
I can't help the caress of sincerity,
the breath of pure joy that overlaps and enfolds
leaving you: cold
smiling as I write, despite your ugly words of a child neglected,
"bitch, whore, miserable, lonely, pathetic, ALONE."
these are not me,
will never, have never, no reference known;
but you.

I can hear them in their disapproval, without words even,
a forboding of whats to come. Cant have a future without a past,
cant disconnect the path behind and the path ahead.
S'that simple: NO
I'M SORRY
I CAN'T
MAYBE LATER
MAYBE NOT
On paper so simple
On skin is a map of sadness
drawn tight to catch tears and fatigue.
On me a resume flawed
A heart forgiving, resusitating what they say
died,
did die,
while I stood screaming in the dark.
But they can't hear me wait.
They don't know where the map leads.
I do, darkness and all.

suns awake, overslept, fumbled with the alarm,
pulled the clouds in tight, lids, lips closed,
cooler than usual, thinking of the day spread out
in front of dozing eyes.
Below they wonder the wait.
Tall and strong usually that makes them scratch their heads.
The games sluggish slow wondering
how to continue.
Rolling up,
clocking in
cooler than warmer
better late than never

I wish I had a part of you to hold,
just at night, alone and timid,
something that would read your story to me
as I fall asleep, something to whisper a song
that only we know,
wrapped around me,
a soft slipping dream, flimsy in the light.
A dream that swirls, smoky and scented,
but it never stays.

With these pieces left, I can orchestrate a grand scheme.
A beautiful crescendo of my ferocity, my voracious sentiment.
I can shrug off your memory when asked as youthful folly;
as a learning process, as if you were a textbook I had to return
at the end of the school year. I will run through and recreate the
world that we were going to tame together hands sorer than
they should be, eyes seeping into the positive tension.
It would be quite a collage due to my stubborness, my inability to
admit to inability.
But
with you
would be something else all together.
Something you can only see with your eyes closed,
till we open them
together.
But we have to be on the same piece of page first

okay,
dont leave me alone.
tag me along with you.
that night with high waters and broken glasses,
that time we sang together, same song same voice,
by the lake when we danced with the water,
cigarettes, frustrated and burning,
beer busting it all up for us to sip,
smiling interact as we sift for tomorrow,
when it will be cool and smooth on our eyes,
when we will walk side by hand by face by us,
and laugh at where weve gone, where weve come
scream for me love, tell me that its over and just starting,
some sunny shore where we will meet again,
huddle in for our share,
closer now, to smell your secrets,
mine are yours for the taking,
take them
take everything,
sun sets,
jet set to today,
hand/hand
face/face
love/love

I guess I thought it would be easier. stip step a pet in my arms there to keep. But I guess anything worth having is worth bleeding for, worth giving something you would rather keep. Walking across a blind intersection, invisible dissection of my predilection leaves me timid and fierce. Expecting change for a transaction I never paid I seem to wait at counters for a receipt.
But today is another side, another brisk walk towards it now. I see it shining on your darkness and I want to pull you into me so we can see this together.
Music now, loud and interrupting my day dream away with the day until its September soon.
A school girl who never wants to leave, but hates every day of it.
A writer who writes about the famine,
a singer who sings when they are sleeping.
A melody that floats up and around together and apart while you sleep away.
In a small room, tough and cold, dreaming about a glass that rattles in your trunk,
a bracelet that you don't remember where it came,
a strange girl, warm lips and nice hips, breathing hundreds of miles away,
dreaming the same dreams,
between sheets of harsh dis-caress,
soap and water, toothpaste shower,
always cold until you sleep,
open your eyes