They all want to crush you, I think, the weight is just too heavy for them so they look to you to carry it, knowing you can't, knowing they shouldn't put that on you; it's not yours.
So you sink a bit with each breath and wonder the weight for love? The caving in of your chest for your heart pounding compliance? Pressuring you now or never or alone. Are those the choices? Another option maybe that isn't so much that it squeezes the soul you have into a flat kind of mat meant for forgetting except when their feet are really really dirty, gritty, charred.
Lucky for me that I have some kind of resilience; lucky for them as well. Lucky to see that there is always an up. But what is this, right here dead center? It is pulling all my pieces tight together from my teeth to my toes, a curling in as if in escape? My eyes tighten and shut a bit but it just squeezes a bit of wet, a remembrance that I should probably cry. Sucking parts in further, so compact, so thin, now a tiny ball of thread, expertly wound, with care and consideration for the need for me later, when something needs mending, but not care enough to create.
An undoing now, scraps spread wide and ready across the moments that led us here. Coming together, falling apart, ebb and flow of the saline wash of surrender, letting go and giving in to the idea of never giving in again. Floating motionless, weightless, surrounded but absolutely alone.
Full formed infallible, untouchable and underestimated, walking through this place again but it is completely new, and it is finally time for this to begin.

She stopped at every corner waiting for a crash,
she turned away the maybe in hopes of a second chance,
along came these faces, these places and so and so's,
but she passed them and graced them with only goodbyes.
A quick turn, a hand flick a quick stolen gaze,
then back to the road that was littered with haze.
She knew there was something along its terrain
that made her keep going, keep pacing, keep licking the stain
that the heart left behind when it bounced just for her.
Now it is limp and it crawls and it snarls at the ones that come near.
Still it beats, slow murmur of suggestion,
that there's something waiting, its not just a question.
Willed to continued, willed against defeat,
the mess that she can't see still beats.
No longer a ghost as proximity heats up,
but the road is rocks and pieces and disrupt.

That was a rough edge,
sharp but slick,
inviting me to cut up and open
so inviting,
to let things run out.
cleansing?
emptying?
We will never know because there's no trace now.
Just something hollow, an echo
dragged across the streets of my mind;
you pulling me there without touching.
Was the sound of your smile I think
luring me,
essentializing my peril till it seemed like the only choice,
my sacrifice to you.
No one understands the jumps I made,
no one but the edge;
but that's our secret now.

Every time I get on that freeway
I pretend that I am going to see you,
just for a moment, to get me in the mood
for whatever it is I am actually going to do.
It helps soften it a little,
that sweet memory of anticipation;
seeing your kind eyes again,
then the traffic hits and I am stopped
in my daydream knowing that I don't know,
or won't, or can't.
My dream rehearses when it will be and how I will touch you.
On a beach somewhere?
When the sun is slouching a little, but not us,
alert in our kiss and caress;
soft surrendering of scents and longing.
Frustrations and worry recede with the tide,
and we are eye to eye
remembering, like the lazy sun
why we keep coming back to this
even if the dark scares us, it is worth the dawn.

a stuck kind of sad
thick in throat and mind
treading thoughts and good intentions
pouring all you have in hopes of a taste
for this drought; self imposed though
no one to blame but you.
lets make a wish for a kiss
for a chance for all this to slip away: a memory
something we got through, together and in pieces
keep my picture with you thick and thin
it will whisper sweet somethings
reminding you? soothing you back into my arms
but for now, a shadow must do
from the corner of my eye.
ill pretend you were there the whole time
that this aloneness was a test of fortitude,
these tears just a leak with a quick fix.
I want to say I miss you.

You: who wears glasses in the morning between newsprint and eggs,
old soft shirt slippers lips lap argue about how our politics are the same
a soft dance shift closer between breakfast and lunch a quick repast
music floats down the back side of the day as light slips up the wall
up the stairs white sheets shoes hair tangle breeze in slats kiss me now
arms a mess warm touching warm beginning and ending no middle.
I: have to leave with your smell on my skin brushing up against my tomorrows
with you in them, too afraid to touch for fear it shimmies toward dreaming.
quarter tank of gas country music traffic weaves into and out of thoughts of you
hand on face and heart beating my fear into submission, please accept my offering.
please me with your plans please take all i give then ask for more please don't stop
us:ually this ends in fire and crash blood letting and a choking sense of fatigue.
but we, us, you/i
can't we just go with flow and fun and forget about all that
makes something out of nothing but a drink in a dark club made out of sin; a blessing?
something that we thank for
something we live for
we love for

shes fuzzy snoring and I am blurry writing in dim shade, dimmer thoughts,
about old faces and new ones,
of the black on your arm, the sweat on your brow when you were looking the other way.
light words that deflected heavy emotions left to bare.
It was dark enough so no one saw but me: there and naked and you: away and wrapped up
my hand on your face you're gone, your foot on my chest its too late
to get a cab
to get a bite
to get a second
to remember what I tried to forget

another night another drink another tip toe on the brink of forgetting
then you, tall and center with dark eyes straight through, draining what I had collected.
as if it were my fault to hold this love, to give this love, for trying to do the same for someone else.

I hate you for all the wrong reasons, and love you for all the right ones.
But these don't cancel each other out and make something beautiful in their joining.
It seems to make something distant and waning, something hungry and frustrated.
Just a picture on a profile and a message in the night, a passing of image to reignite the fire I put out to fall asleep.
I couldn't make this up